Is it really “insecure and controlling” to feel uncomfortable with my girlfriend talking inappropriately with her ex

I’m honestly not even sure why I’m writing this, but I feel like I need some outside perspective because the more I try to process it, the more disappointed I get.

So, based on experience, I was in a situation with someone I was dating. She had a friend group — supposedly a girls group chat — but for some reason, there’s one guy in there. Not just any random guy either. Her ex. The same ex who, to make it worse, had previously sent her nudes back when they were together.

Now, I’m not the jealous type. I understand people have pasts, and I’m well aware people can remain friends with exes under the right, respectful circumstances. But this situation? It never sat right with me.

First of all, why is there a girls group chat with one guy? And why does that one guy happen to be an ex who was once sending her explicit pictures? Even putting the ex part aside, the conversations they had in there were beyond casual. There were inappropriate jokes, comments with sexual undertones, and way too much playful back-and-forth that I personally believe crosses the line of respect when you’re in a committed relationship.

Eventually, I brought it up to her. Calmly. Maturely. I didn’t accuse her of cheating, I didn’t make ultimatums, and I didn’t tell her to block anyone. I just expressed, as clearly and respectfully as I could, that I wasn’t comfortable with her having these kinds of conversations with her ex — especially given their history and the fact that these jokes weren’t exactly what I’d consider appropriate for someone who’s supposed to be committed to me.

And you know what her response was? The typical “You’re insecure. You’re controlling. You’re overthinking. It’s just jokes.”

But here’s the thing — if the roles were reversed, and I was in a group chat full of guys with just one girl, who happened to be my ex that I had sent nudes to, and I was casually making flirtatious or inappropriate jokes with her… does anyone honestly think she’d brush it off as “harmless fun”? Of course not.

That’s what frustrates me the most. Somehow, my very valid, very reasonable feelings about the situation got flipped on me. Like I’m the problem just for having standards of basic respect. Since when did setting boundaries and protecting the integrity of your relationship become something to be ashamed of?

I always thought a healthy relationship meant making sure your partner feels safe, secure, and prioritized. And if something bothers them — especially something as serious as chatting inappropriately with an ex who has a sexual history with you — wouldn’t you at least try to understand where they’re coming from?

But instead, I got labeled as “controlling” for speaking up. And honestly, it’s just disappointing.

So… am I truly overreacting? Has wanting respect become outdated? Or is this genuinely as one-sided and unfair as it feels?

Because if this is what “insecurity” is considered nowadays, then maybe a lot more people should start being “insecure.”