OOP's daughter falsely accuses step-mom of physical assault.
I am NOT OP. Original post by u/Proper-Pie8256 in r/offmychest
Post finding credits - u/dadondada14
ORIGINAL POST - 2nd March 2023
I 36m made the mistake of marrying the woman I got pregnant at 19yo. We divorced when my daughter(Kay) was 6 months old. This relationship with my daughter and ex wife has always been strained. I take most of the blame because I was a 19yo shithead just winging it through with life with no purpose or sense of direction. To my ex's credit she quickly got herself together and got an education while handling most of the parenting. I know I fucked up in my daughters younger years and that's nobody's fault but mine. Apparently nothing I do or say now will make up for it. Now she's 17, she's a beautiful, smart, witty, well mannered young woman and its 95% because of my ex's parenting. I love to brag about my daughter but I would never take credit for how she turned out as our relationship is incredibly strained.
My ex is essentially forcing my daughter to spend every other weekend with me, my wife 30f, and her little sister 3f. My wife and I don't mind at all, my wife was so happy with this arrangement that she got her parents to take our 3yo on Saturday's so my oldest daughter doesn't feel like her whole weekend is lost to a toddler. She stays with us Thursday -Sunday. This particular weekend her parents went to a wedding so toddler stayed home. My 16yo was visibly upset by this so my wife took toddler out for the day to keep the peace. That wasn't good enough for oldest because my wife would usually take Kay out for brunch and since toddler was out with my wife Kay and I went to lunch where she complained the entire time about how her whole weekend is ruined and she wanted to go home.
My response was that life is inconvenient sometimes. Later that night Kays vindictive side comes out and she told my ex they my wife hit her. My ex showed up to my house and called the cops and was screaming on my lawn that she was going to press charges and assault my wife. The cops showed up everyone is confused and crying. My daughter is begging to go home. The thing is, toddler wasn't feeling well so my wife slept in toddler room since about 7:30. Baby monitor proves it. She didn't even leave to use the bathroom. We show the cops this after my ex leaves with Kay. I apologize and the cop who was super understanding said that he would spook Kay and my ex a little for wasting time . I don't know what he said to them but Kay called back and was apologizing and wanted to speak to my wife to apologize but my wife was not having any of it , won't speak to Kay I don't blame her. Ex is calling my wife immature for not speaking to a teenager whose trying to apologize.
My wife has emotionally closed herself to Kay. She also stopped contributing to Kays college fund. This hurt Kay the most as my wife makes pretty good money. Her chances of attending her dream school were much better with 3 parents saving for it instead of 2. This incident was 2 months ago and Kay's attitude towards my wife has gone from fuck off to love bombing. My wife just doesn't want to be involved at all anymore and is offering to have Kay visit weekends again but her and toddler will stay at her parents until Kay leaves. My ex is blaming my wife for not forgiving kay for lying. My family is divided saying Kay made a stupid teenager mistake and shouldn't be punished losing out on education. I wont make my wife interact with my daughter. But I'm also not going to contribute double to her college fund which is what my ex is demanding. My wife, my ex and I were contributing equal parts and my ex's new husband contributed nothing. I feel like my wife is being treated unfairly. But siding with my wife is making my relationship with my daughter worse. This got much longer then I expected. I really need some object insight here because I have no clue how to fix or manage this.
Guys ..this blew up way more then I expected. I can't possibly respond to every comment so I'll address some the repeated stuff. I am fully supportive of my removing herself. I wouldn't dream of forcing her to be around someone who accused her of abuse.
She is volunteering to spend weekends at her parents. I'm not asking her to leave our home.
Kay and toddler have a great relationship. They enjoy each other. My wife's parents take toddler on Saturday as a favor to us but they were more then willing to do this they love spending time with her.
For those saying I'm not involved enough in making sure my daughter facing consequences, she does not live with me. If I try to get involved with how her mother is disciplining her at home I will promptly be told to go fuck myself.
I'm currently trying to have an adult conversation with my ex about how serious this could have gotten and that I won't let this be swept under that rug. Every time I bring it up I'm blocked for 3 days. I haven't given up tho.
UPDATE - 23rd March 2023
Hi all. I’m here to give an update because I have gotten many messages from concern folks and I am really touched. First off, thank you all. I didn’t expect that response and all the great advice I got. I also let my wife read the post. She feels grateful and validated because this situation was making her question her sanity. Another thing I want to address is some of the nasty things said about my daughter. Not cool. I don’t know how many of you actually have kids with your suggestions. This is a shit situation, and was really out of character for her, but I love my daughter and will always support her, that does not mean I can’t acknowledge when she’s acting like an asshole. I got some very nasty messages and had to block several people because they decided to go full blown internet troll.
After some long conversations with my wife, she said she would be willing to have contact with Kay again, and possibly the college fund. I said no to the college fund. I would prefer my wife not contribute to Kay’s education. Over the past 5 years my wife has contributed about 14k to Kays college fund and I was ready to transfer all that money back to her, she declined and is content just not contributing anything else. I finally got Kay and ex wife to agree to a serious talk after threating to pull that 14k out of the account.
I finally got some truth out of Kay. She has a boyfriend, ex wife knew and didn’t tell me. The weekends at my house were meant to keep her away from the bf and friends. That particular weekend there was a party that Kay wanted to go and ex shut it down completely. Ex wife told Kay not to tell me or wife because we would cut her off. Which is completely false. Ex wife had to admit that’s why she did it in front of Kay, and she was beyond angry. Then when it came time to address Kay using her step mother in a lie that could have potentially landed her in prison she started to cry. I believe she genuinely feels regret about her actions. She said just wanted to go to the party with her friends and since she couldn’t she said whatever she could to get her mother to react because she didn’t think I would allow her to go. Apparently when kay is home my ex keeps inside and she can’t see her friends on weekends or after school because ex wife thinks she should be inside. Ex got frustrated and stormed off and didn’t want to continue the conversation. I had no idea my daughter was so isolated at her mothers house and her mother manipulated her into thinking that my wife and I are the manipulative ones. She feels much regret about what she said about my wife and understands why she wants to keep a distance.
My wife loves Kay and wants to slowly start building a relationship with her again. However that still leaves the issue of what is happening to my daughter at home. She has explicitly said she is not being verbally, physically, or sexually abused. She is just isolated and not permitted to do much. I think this is because when ex was Kays age she was out of control with her partying (I knew her then and she was wild.) I told Kay she has a place at my house, but she wants to stay home it is close to her school and friends she just wants her mom to ease up some. They are working on it. My ex knows that we are on to her BS and has been playing nice we will see how long that lasts. I reiterated to Kay that this one particular situation with her lying could have ruined many lives and has greatly impacted her own life because her dream school is out of the question. Any conversation my ex tries to start about college money I tell her we can talk about it after her or her husband deposits 14k into the account. She hasn’t bought it up again. Until then I will keep making the same contributions.
Reminder - I am not the original poster.