There is hope.

I have no formal diagnosis but I firmly believe that I once had BPD. I used fit the criteria to a T. I'm writing this in hope that I can help others, give others hope and maybe inspire some of you.

First, background, as it's all relevant.

I had an unstable childhood, lots of trauma and abuse. I was thrown out at 15 and had to pretty much fend for myself. From the ages of 15 to 27 I lived a hugely chaotic life, moving from place to place and unable to hold down a job, relationship or anything meaningful. I was abusive in all my previous relationships, never physical, but emotional. I would lash out at the most minor inconvenience, I was angry and aggressive and I create an environment whereby all those around me felt as though they were walking on eggshells. I had the most poisonous tongue known to man and I'd hit people exactly where I knew it would hurt. I was never satisfied. I always wanted and expected far too much from those around me and when I felt I hadn't gotten what I deserve, I would attack with words and empty threats. I would threaten partners with leaving them. I would tell partners they were meaningless to me, I'd tell them I didn't love them, nor did I want them around. I would cause arguments with people literally every day of my life. I would ruin outings and social events. I used suicide as a threat and as a means of control. I don't believe, during these years, I had the mental capacity, or genuine desire to better my behaviour. Luckily for me I have a fantastic group of friends who have stood by me, regardless of all my faults, and regardless of pain I have caused them.

Fast forward to my 26th year and I decided I needed to change. For me, there was no big event that led to this, it was a decision I made based on how I felt my life and relationships would turn out if I continued as I was. I wanted to be a better person and rectify my wrongdoings as much as is possible. I began reading self-help books and researched BPD. I was later diagnosed with ADHD, severe depressive disorder and generalized anxiety disorder. Eventually, after months of trying medicines, I was put on Venlafaxine. This was both a blessing and a curse. My moods became stable, I had better emotional regulation and I had no desire to hurt those around me, no matter how upset I became. Alas, this came with conditions: My sex drive is constantly low and I have to actively work on this, although able to understand emotion, I feel very little emotion and my passion for life and my previous interests has dissipated. It's a sacrifice I choose to make because I want to be a good person. Since taking meds I have invested countless hours reading and educating myself on neuropsychology, BPD, trauma, neuroplasticity, anything I felt may help me to better understand my behaviours, and various literature, both academic and otherwise, regarding changing responses and behaviours.

It's been a long road and it isn't over. I still slip up every now and again but I am so much healthier and better able to handle emotional situations. I am emotionally available, discussing feelings and thoughts with those in my life. I take my meds as I am supposed to. I rarely react with anger. I ask others opinions before I respond, so as to guage whether or not my feelings/reactions are in line with the situation. I NEVER call anyone names in malice. I listen before I jump to conclusions and I try to think with logic and reason at all times. I am now an asset to the people around me.

I attribute my progress to a few things; education and understanding my conditions, discussing, with everyone in my life, all the negative things I had done and taking ownership of the damage I caused... This was paramount; taking Venlafaxine, for me this is a wonder drug, although please bear in mind that what works for one of us may not work for you; and taking LSD in a therapeutic environment, engineered for self reflection.

I wanted to change so very much that I actively make it happen. It was my decisions alone that have led me to recovery and I cannot stress enough that recovery is only accessible to those who see the damage they cause, see the hurt and chaos, and then act alone (without need for encouragement from others) to better themselves.

I still need therapy and I will continue to work on my flaws. I may have to do this for the duration of my life. I still suffer with the invasive thoughts. The evil remarks and hurtful comments still enter my head, but now I can observe these thoughts and I choose to act with compassion and understanding over anger and frustration. There is a better way.

TL;DR Was an arsehole, sought meds and education. Now much better for it. LSD for a mind reset and discussions with everyone in my life led me to take ownership of my behaviours. Not an arsehole anymore.