How to have a successful relationship with a pwbpd

1- be okay with them always talking to someone else and the occasional affair and devaluing you. They’ll be back when the affair doesn’t work out. They won’t really value you like they did when they had to chase you bc once they have you secured, you lose your value in that way, but gain your value in reliable. It’s like you shift from shiny new toy to old favorite. They still want old favorite but it’ll never have the shine of shiny new toy unless you leave and have to be chased again. There will always be a shiny new toy that will take precedent over you in cycles because when that doesn’t work out, they’ll value you for your safety. All of this will be happening while you’re still serving them hand and foot. They have no qualms about taking money, time, and sex from you while also spending whatever to get their shiny new toy.

2- stay steady during their chaos. They will always have chaos from work drama, money problems, mood swings. Don’t take them personally. Give them plenty of space and be okay with being their personal punching bag. When they’re unhappy they look for the reason for their unhappiness to blame the mood on and it’s probably your fault. In fact, all of their problems are your fault. They spent too much money because they were upset about a fight you two were in, they cheated because you got mad at them (for something that deserved you to be upset over.)

3- know the cycles- idealize, devalue, discard. Rinse and repeat. Know which phase you’re in and don’t try to change it- just stay steady and know that they will probably be back. They may leave for years but they’ll be back eventually.

4- love yourself, don’t engage in the chaos, don’t take anything personally, don’t rely on them for anything, know that you’re basically single but not allowed to date anyone else, but they will. So just date yourself, and when you get some of their attention, be happy for it and enjoy the idealized phase and when they devalue you, be ready to just date yourself again and don’t worry about their chaos. Don’t try to help, don’t interrupt their rants, don’t try to defend yourself from the abuse, just put up your silent shield of knowing it’s not about you. Be careful to not let their drama make you less able to be a good parent or friend or worker. Don’t let them take up so much of your mental space that you lose your hobbies because you will need those for when they discard you. If you are somewhat evasive, maybe they will feel less engulfed and want to chase you. Seems like they want what they can’t have, and they think that what they have to work for is what is valuable, so staying aloof and evasive may work. Idk though bc I’ve never been able to do it.

What am I forgetting? Feel free to add to the list.