does anyone else put themselves in danger to feel alive ?

I feel like i’m crazy for doing this. I only feel alive when i’m in dangerous or insane situations.

I became friends with my dealer and for the past months i’ve been hanging out with him and his other dealer friends, most of which are felons. I’m just 18 and most of them are way older and all are men. I feel so afraid when i’m with them yet so alive.

I meet up with men i met 10 minutes ago, invite them to my place and oversexualize myself because i don’t feel wanted if i don’t.

I even snuck out in a military complex once because a guy i was talking to was staying there !!!

These aren’t even the worst things. It’s like an addiction. When my life is normal, it’s boring and i’m suicidal. When it’s dangerous, i don’t think about harming myself.

Does anyone else feel this way?