This is a repost. The original was posted in /r/AmItheAsshole by User spareroom-throwaway. I'm not the original poster.

Status: Concluded.

Mood: OOP created a meme

Original

August 6, 2022

My wife, Amy (27F) and I (27M) have a spare room in our home. We’ve gone back and forth since we moved in two+ years ago about what we wanted to do with it, but we never took the initiative to actually implement any of these plans. We already have a sufficient number of guest rooms and an office so the room just sits there, unutilized. I’m not that worried about it, but my wife brings it up now and then. These mentions are just of the unused room itself, not anything concrete she actually wants to use it for.

I made a new friend, Ben (30M), about eight months ago and it was very much one of those ‘we connected from the first time we spoke to each other’ situations. I’ve actually never had that many close male friends, so this connection is especially important to me. The conversation flowed so easily, we had loads in common. I didn’t think such a huge amount of genuine love and respect for a person could be developed in less than a year, but it’s been very cool to experience that and get to know him.

One of the things that we bonded over was a similar love for art and music. Ben is way, way more talented than I am when it comes to painting, but it’s something we both enjoy. His birthday is coming up soon and I thought on top of what else I was getting him, I could turn the spare room into something similar to an art studio for us both to use. I already ordered a few things for it and was getting ready to jump into painting the walls when my wife came in and demanded to know what I was doing. I explained that I was finally fixing up the spare room. She said it was unacceptable I had done this without confirming with her that it was okay, but I didn’t think I would need to since it’s been two years and the room has basically never been touched.

AITA?

Consensus: Asshole. People point out it seems he wants to spend time with Ben instead of Amy.

Notable Comments:

"His birthday is coming up soon and I thought on top of what else I was getting him, I could turn the spare room into something similar to an art studio...."

What ELSE are you getting him for his birthday, OP, is what I want to know. ^{InevitableMusic7799}

I would bet money them not being able to find a use for the room is because wife was thinking “nursery” while her husbands thinking “man cave for my best friend that doesn’t even live at this house” ^deleted

Look I'm just going to throw it out there because I'm pretty sure I'm not the only one thinking it. They way you talk about this relationship with Ben vs your wife makes it sound like he's more than just a friend. Maybe it's on a subconscious level only.

• You don't unilaterally decide what to do with a room in a house you share with your wife
• It's weird that your first thought is oh, I want to set up this space for me and the friend
• it's weird that you view this as some kind of gift to the friend, on top of whatever else you've gotten him
• It's weird you want to give a key to the house you share with your wife to the friend without asking her

YTA ^KYC3PO

Am I the only one that this this guy is in love with his friend?? But either way YTA ^{Foreverbroke12}

Comments by OOP (everything downvoted to Tartarus):

I didn’t think it was all that strange to give friends the spare keys to your place, to be fair.

My wife gave her spare to my MIL, I believe? And that didn’t happen with any discussions between us.

We host guests very regularly so this wouldn’t be much different of a situation than the one we’re already in.

I don’t value anyone more than my wife. I just think this kind of connection is vital and irreplaceable. I wanted to express that.

I haven’t thought about any boundaries just yet because I very much trust Ben to not do something stupid, like take drugs in my house without asking first, inviting others over, etc.

I’m definitely taking in everyone’s points of view about the room, but pumping the brakes on the friendship as a whole isn’t something I can do right now, I don’t think.

I mean, the entire house is basically a life-long birthday gift to my wife.

He and my wife have met and he’s been invited to all events we’ve hosted.

I wanted to generally make the space a little cozier and homier. He and I both like collecting records, so I was going to get another record player to put in the corner for when one/both of us were working. Paint the walls + get a rug/some furniture we didn’t mind getting a little messy.

I know this guy well and trust him. I would never put myself or my wife in danger, especially not so willingly like this.

(about what he got his wife for her last birthday) I got a purse for her that she’d been wanting and took her to dinner. She also went on a girls trip to celebrate.

Birthdays have never been a huge thing between us. It’s all about the traditions you start with different people.

He and I have already talked about all of this. I don’t feel like I’m “buying” his friendship or trying to secure his affections, I’m just doing something kind for someone who is important to me. I’ve always been a bit of a grand gesture sort of man anyway.

(about Ben potentially being a danger for Amy) I definitely wasn’t expecting all the comments about him possibly doing something like this. Wow.

He isn’t interested in women.

She has never brought up any issues with him. This is purely about the room.

Other friends of ours love him.

(if he has a key for Ben's place) I’ve had to drop things off at his place while he’s at work and it was much more convenient than him having to remember to leave a key for me on those days.

(what else he got Ben for his birthday) I got him some vinyl records and nice pair of shoes he had been eyeing.

None of these concerns have been raised to me. We’re very open and I trust that he would bring it up to me if he felt uncomfortable. He was excited by the prospect.

No, no excessive gifts or interest in just my life. He freely shares. We typically spend the day together if we have one that aligns throughout the week and text freely otherwise.

He’s always been gracious and understanding when it comes to my schedule not being super flexible. There’s no expectation of me to reply to his texts within a certain amount of time.

(OOP admitting he is questioning his sexuality, but told commented otherwise) Because I don’t want to listen to people saying they feel sorry for my wife because I’m questioning intimate details of my identity.

Questioning people aren’t inconveniences. Or whatever this line of thinking is leading people to believe.

(about who OOP would choose if his wife gave an ultimatum) If an ultimatum was given right now, I would respect my wife’s wishes. However, I do think it would make me feel how you’re describing. He’s become an integral part of my life and the bond we have isn’t like anything I’ve ever had. It would be devastating to lose.

He’s handsome, strong, ridiculously talented and funny, passionate… he’s an amazing friend. If someone was into guys, I’d imagine he would be easy to fall for.

(if Ben every made a comment about wanting to date OOP) It has come up previously in a joking/teasing way. Like if we went shopping together, I tried on something and came out to show him, he might make a silly “if only you weren’t taken” comment.

Don’t apologize for rambling, this is so helpful. There were so many lines you wrote where I felt like I could truly see myself.

“It was mind blowing, and suddenly everything made sense. Love songs weren't exaggerated! People weren't lying! I wasn't broken! I understand poetry now!”

This feels so apt. There’s a song that released recently that I’ve had on repeat for the last few days with the lyrics “I’d go too far just to have you near // in my soul I’ve got this feeling I didn’t know until I seen you.” And when I heard the line (as well as the entire first verse, honestly), I was genuinely blown away at how fitting it is.

I’m taking everyone’s advice into consideration and will be having conversations with them both soon. I just don’t know how to go about that yet.

ETA: I hope you don’t mind another self indulgent lyric thrown at you. Another beautiful line I feel like is worth mentioning because it keeps replaying in my head is “You showed me what love is // Now I’m acting like I know myself.”

Editor's Note: OOP had a posting in r/lgbt titled Pretty sure my heart just fluttered for the first time at 27 years old I couldn't retrieve. The commenters, however, call him an asshole in this one, as well.

Update

August 12, 2022, 6 days later

First off, I’d like to thank everyone who was compassionate towards me in the comments.

Ben and I sat down and talked on Tuesday night about everything. It was... overwhelming, to say the least. He was gentle and sweet, as always, and allowed me the time and space to say everything I needed to. That night was one of the most beautiful of my life. Acceptance, love, and trust are truly so, so powerful. Life-changing.

Amy and I had a conversation about the spare room last night. I had been putting it off since my post a few days ago and was hoping to wait until the weekend to talk about it all, but she insisted. I did as a lot of comments suggested and used the renovation as a lead in to talk about the other things going on. I told her that her reaction to it brought up a lot of confusing emotions for me that I’ve spent the last few days working through and things continued from there.

I had toyed with the idea of couples therapy and it was something she suggested, but I don’t think it’s a viable option. I love her, but I’ve come to realize that I was never in love with her like I once thought. And after getting to really and truly experience that... it wouldn’t be fair to either of us if we tried to force something that I’m not capable of giving to her. I’ll be splitting my time, staying in one of our guest rooms / with Ben in his apartment for the time being while we separate and work things out moving forward. Obviously that means the room renovations have been paused until further notice.

I’m really, really excited for the future.

ETA: clarification on my current living situation

Consensus: Still The Asshole

Notable Comments:

So.... you cheated on your wife with an emotional affair, blamed her for your decisions with the whole "your reaction made me confused" bit, and now you're leaving her to go with your affair partner.

Doesn't matter if it wasn't physical. This is an obvious emotional affair.

Ben and I sat down and talked on Tuesday night about everything. It was... overwhelming, to say the least. He was gentle and sweet, as always, and allowed me the time and space to say everything I needed to. That night was one of the most beautiful of my life. Acceptance, love, and trust are truly so, so powerful. Life-changing.

EMOTIONAL AFFAIR

I’m really, really excited for the future.

Oh yeah, so exciting to completely destroy the life of the person that loved and supported you while you skip off to have your fun.

So exciting.

Poor Amy. She deserves so much better.

You do plan on letting her have most of the assets in the divorce since you were the one unfaithful and wrecked the marriage, right?^{Whatthehonker}

And poor Amy thought she only had to worry about a spare room being used without her permission. ^Ilove_somuch

This! My heart broke a little for her. I bet she is thinking that if she hadn't gotten upset about the room maybe her husband would still love her and be with her. I hope Amy reads these posts to see how much the rest of us wish her the best out of a horrible situation. [^{Annonymouse211]}

Dude.

I am all for living life as your authentic self, but this euphoria you obviously feel after breaking out of your ill-conceived art room closet doesn't absolve you of being an asshole. Celebrating the evolution of your emotional affair into a full-blown one while your marriage is collapsing around you is in incredibly poor taste and shows an astounding lack of empathy and compassion for your soon-to-be ex-wife.

The reality is that you DID try to move Ben into your marital home when you decided to repurpose a spare bedroom into a music room/art studio/love nest, so it's not much of a stretch to believe you would do it now for real. I get that you misspoke/were unclear/retracted the statement, but you can't honestly be surprised that people think the worst of you when you put it on display yourself. Amy has been at best an afterthought through this entire ordeal and that is just sad. I feel so sorry for her and hope that you grow a conscience in time to make up for your lack of emotional generosity by giving her everything she wants in the divorce. ^velkana

The fact that you sat Ben down to talk about things you and him already knew (since you know, you’ve been having an emotional affair) days before you talked to your wife speaks volumes about your character.

You were even forced by your wife to have that talk with her. She deserved the first conversation. She was your wife. Your affair partner should have been put on the back burner for 5 minutes while you figured this out with her.

Had your life altering night with your boyfriend while your wife is still wondering about your spare room. Days later the poor girl thought she was going to have a conversation about it and instead you blew up her life and give absolutely no remorse about how you went about things, aka cheating on your wife.

Good on you for figuring yourself out, but you are like at bottom of the barrel of humans at this point. ^ckb251

he was gonna wait until this weekend to talk to her about it. not gonna claim i was the reason he changed his mind but i badgered him pretty consistently about it in his now-deleted r/lgbt post because he was apparently set on trickle-truthing her instead of ripping the bandaid off.

i think it might’ve been better received bc i clarified that i’m a lesbian and wasn’t coming at the situation from a homophobic standpoint, but jesus christ. this man. this man. ^{raydiantgarden}

I am too invested. What was the gist of his post? ^[elbor23]

basically that it would give her time to come to terms with their separation (by letting her believe he’s bi) and then telling her he’s gay after, because it would let her down easier or somethin

i relatively politely tore him a new one over that. ^{[raydiantgarden]}

Comments by OOP (still downvoted to Tartarus):

I feel like the way everyone is talking about him is doing a disservice to his character. Devaluing the support I’ve been given during a really hard, scary time of my life and calling it “cheating” on his end (regardless of what you think I’M doing) or implying that he’ll do the same outside of a situation with extenuating circumstances just isn’t cool.

You can think I’m vile, but he’s a good guy.

To clarify, I didn’t move Ben into my home. I meant that I’m now sometimes staying in a guest room at my own home (so Amy and I aren’t sleeping in the same bed) and sometimes staying at Ben’s while we get through this transitional period.

No infidelity is/would be occurring— my wife and I are separating.

This decision wasn’t made lightly, or solely based on my best friend. This was largely due to the fact that I’ve realized I can’t connect with women on the same level I do with men.

I’m currently looking for a place of my own to stay for the time being. I don’t expect my friend to house me full time on such short notice.

We haven’t began discussing how we’re splitting assets yet. I don’t think she’s particularly interested in keeping the house, or if that’s an option for her.

don’t know if I’m fully prepared to confront this yet. While I subconsciously knew my feelings for Ben were a lot different and more intense than anything I had ever felt before, it was hard to even admit that to myself a little while ago. That’s why all of the sexuality questions on the last post felt off to me— it was forcing me to be vulnerable. They also made me angry, in a way. Because literal strangers were pointing out things about me from a simple post/few comments that I struggled to see about myself.

In an attempt to answer your question… if this isn’t what “in love” feels like, I’m kind of scared to experience the real thing with how all consuming this level of fulfillment already is.

The level of care and overwhelming support I’ve received all throughout our friendship but especially since we had our conversation certainly makes me feel loved.

(that he didn't think people would pick up on him being in love with Ben in his first posting) I don’t think people would see it unless they’ve experienced thinking they were straight and realizing otherwise / having a friend go through that and offering support.

I didn’t even know I was attracted to men until very recently, so the emotional affair comments continue to confuse me.

Sigh.

I obviously thought I loved her at the time. Because I thought I was straight. I would imagine anyone would be confused if they had never experienced real attraction.

I’m very empathetic to what she’s going through. She and I already talked, as I mentioned, and she’s fine with me staying in the house until I find an apartment for the time being while we discuss things. I’m doing everything I can to make this as easy for her as possible.

I don’t disagree. The bond i allowed to develop was wrong, in hindsight. But I was doing the best I could with the information I had at the time. I’m allowing past me grace considering I didn’t fully comprehend what was happening.

He’s supportive of me finding myself and exploring facets of my identity I didn’t previously recognize. I left for myself and to be fair to my partner. Not for him.

Idolizing an important male friendship in my life - of which I’d had very few - made much more sense to me.

I'm not the original poster.