HELP: I (26F) think my boyfriend (30M) is exaggerating or faking his illness
I am not the OOP. The OOP is u/PaintContent6734 posting in r/relationships
Concluded as per OOP
1 update - Medium
Original - 18th March 2025
Update - 21st March 2025
HELP: I (26F) think my boyfriend (30M) is exaggerating or faking his illness
Saw someone's post yesterday about navigating life with a partner who has fibromyalgia and felt inspired to post here! I'm hoping y'all can give me some solid advice.
I (26F) have been with my boyfriend (30M) for a little under two years. In the time we've been together his chronic pain (which isn't connected to any particular/known condition as he refuses to go to the doctor) has gotten worse and worse. It's reached a point where he's almost incapable of doing chores or house projects, is usually too exhausted/in pain to make or agree to plans and getting him to do anything outside of the house together is like pulling teeth. His objections always revolve around his pain and fatigue. I've never suffered from chronic pain (and thank god), so I'm not one to judge or accuse someone of "making it up" since the pain itself is invisible and my boyfriend looks perfectly healthy, but he's now been unemployed for about 4 months and I'm starting to question things.
I'm starting to feel doubtful for a number of reasons, and the main ones are that
a) he never turns down his friend's invitations to hang out, even when the activity is something physically intense like kayaking, or going hiking, or going to a music festival and
b) he is never too tired/in too much pain to have sex. Over time it's almost made it seem like he's conveniently in an unbearable amount of pain when he has to do something he isn't all that interested in (i.e. chores) and I'm starting to feel hurt that he just...doesn't seem to want to hang out with me outside of what we do lazing around the house?
I've never accused him of faking or exaggerating his pain, but I have tried to talk to him about doing more fun stuff together, and it always circles back to his pain or him accusing me of trying to keep him from spending time with his friends (which I'm not trying to do by any means). I've done a ton of research into autoimmune disorders and other conditions that could be causing his problem, always bringing my findings and suggestions to him, but he just doesn't believe a doctor or any traditional medicine will help him.
I'm also bothered because when we go to family outings or parties that we're both invited to (it's rare, but it does happen), he will talk anyone who will listen's ear off about how bad his chronic pain is and how frustrating it is to not be able to find a solution. The thing is, he's not actually looking for a solution. He just smokes weed every day and calls that good enough while lamenting and complaining that his body is the way that it is.
He also refuses to return to work because of his pain. (For additional context: he seems to have really extreme muscle spasms/tightness, particularly in his back). I'm happy to support him through hard times, but the fact that he won't work is getting concerning and I feel severely stuck. I'm not interested in supporting him financially on a long-standing basis, but at the moment I partially am by covering some of his expenses.
If this post makes me a total asshole for questioning the degree of my boyfriend's chronic pain, so be it. I just need help and answers.
So, here are my question(s): Where do I go from here? Do you think it's possible that my boyfriend is using his pain as a crutch? Should I put some kind of ultimatum in place that will get him medical care/attention? Your advice is appreciated!
TLDR: My (26F) boyfriend's (30M) chronic pain is highly questionable and I'm not sure how I can motivate him to get better. I'm worried I may just be getting taken advantage of at this point.
Comments
WatermelonSugar47
Even if he does have chronic illness, he isn’t doing anything to get a diagnosis or treatment and he is willing to push on for things that benefit him and only him. He’s also developed a drug addiction he has no plans of curbing.
I am chronically ill. I am busting my ass trying to find answers and help because living like this sucks. I do everything in my power to support my partner and care for our home. While sometimes thats not a ton, I always prioritize contributing to my household over kayaking, which even if i could push through to do, would put me down for a week.
This man is using and taking advantage of you, disabled or not. He also has dumped this on you without you consenting to be his financial caretaker.
Youre not married. There is no “in sickness and health” here.
Leave him.
CECINS
This right here. It’s one thing if he was busting his butt trying to find a solution, but he’s doing nothing. He’s unemployed and not searching for a solution to get him back to work. Is he on unemployment? What are his plans for contributing to the household?
Considering his inability to function, do you see yourself continuing a life with him and what would that look like? It’s big questions. Do you want kids? Do you want to travel? Is he an excellent homemaker?
GoingPriceForHome
As someone with chronic pain, even if he wasn't lying? I'd leave him. Chronic pain fucking sucks, I've been there. It's been over 13 years of it. But it kinda just sounds like he's slowly made you into his bang maid. Either he's faking it so he doesn't have to work or do any chores, or he has no interest in improving his situation, which isn't sustainable if the person isn't going to pursue medical help or disability benefits.
m4genta
Bang maid that covers his bills no less! run op run
WatermelonSugar47
Thats what we call a “mommy-bangmaid”
Update - 3 days later
Thank you to everyone who responded to my post and was so compassionate and kind. It was incredible to hear from so many people who actively battle chronic pain/illness and those with loved ones who do. I hope to continue deepening my empathy towards anyone who is struggling with an invisible illness.
On to my update. Armed with some fresh perspectives (and some fresh frustrations, lol) I talked to my boyfriend and told him that he needs to see a doctor or I will no longer be able to support him financially and stand by while he remains unemployed and unmotivated to get the help he needs. I also addressed the idea of managing/balancing his energy levels differently so that we're able to share household responsibilities more effectively, spend quality time together, and keep him doing the things he loves with his friends.
His response was...really bad. He told me that if I'm not willing to "step up and clean around the house" (something I'm already doing) that there's no use living together and that my efforts to clean are the bare minimum and not good enough for his standards anyway. He was also really mad that I haven't taken initiative to take care of yard projects and car repairs. He sat there and spouted off a whole list of things I'm not noticing and cleaning. And, once again, he was focused on this idea that I don't like his friends/am jealous of them and want him spending less time with them, which isn't true at all.
This really stung. He basically brushed over everything I said and focused on my perceived faults. This told me everything I need to know and I told him I was leaving. He was just...mad. Not sad or hurt at all. I'm still crying excessively over his whole reaction. I still don't know how real or unreal his chronic pain is, but I guess it doesn't matter anymore.
Thank you again, everyone, for your support and kindness. I'm truly at a loss.
TLDR: My (26F) boyfriend (30M) of almost two years and I have separated over his inability to address his chronic pain.
Comments
LilMsFeckingSunshine
OP, I remember your first post. I know you’re very sad right now, and you have a right to be. But don’t let grief overstay its welcome — you are so much better off and he just lost his bang maid, expect him to come crawling back when he realizes you’re serious. Don’t believe anything he says.
This internet stranger is proud of you. You deserve someone who can be your partner regardless of whether they have an illness — that doesn’t mean they’re critical or cruel.
fiery_valkyrie
Oh man. The idea of an unemployed, constantly stoned layabout accusing someone else of not “stepping up” is just mind boggling. Good on you for not letting him take advantage any more.
kellyoccean
Listen to me. You will wait a week or two or 4 but he WILL try to come back to you. You did everything for him. No one else is going to do that. While taking on all the financial burdens? Yeah, he's toast. He was absolutely faking it. You dont need to think twice about it. Update us when he come crawling back. Or once his parents are done with him. Good for you!!! I remember this from the other day and I was so upset that you did all that for so long. You're going to be much better off in life and I'm excited for you!!
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