Autism & Narcissism

I have been told I am a narcissist.

I don't feel like one. I thought narcissists loved themselves above everything else. I hate myself, so hard does that work? I don't want to be me. I want to be s person that understands and is in turn understood.

I think autism tends to get in the way. It colours things differently. I can communicate quite well with some people, but when it comes to people that matter the most, I cannot speak. I don't want to say something that can get turned into a stick to batter me with. It feels like a living nightmare that I cannot wake from.