Why won’t you be my friend?

My Roman Empire is wanting genuine girl friends ever since I was a child. I'd see my sister who was a year younger get on fine with my own 'friends' and I'd see the gap between how I connected with the friendship. Being autistic means never fully being able to have that connection, and my heart hurts so bad for younger me who used to jump through hoops to be friends with people. Perhaps people translated that pure hearted eagerness of mine as 'weird' while I was always left dumbfounded and scratching my head, asking the question that now plagues my life: why don't you want to be my friend?

I've always had friend crushes and anytime I tried to befriend people they just never have that 'enthusiasm' reflected back. Ofcourse I know not everyone will like me but it just hurts (RSD lol). It's really crushing. All I want is friends that care for me as much as I do them. I hate that i care too much. And I put in more effort. I hate the puppy I was when I was younger. I hate the social cues that I can never learn enough.

But I still get excited at the prospect of a new friendship. And it hurts every time.