I feel crazy

To preface this, we’re only two weeks out from Dday - so it’s not like we’ve built up a ton of trust back yet so everything feels untrue. It’s also important to note that his cheating was to my knowledge all digital and he & his therapist have started discussing the idea that he may have a PA (though they are still getting to know each other).

This morning our cat was playing with a tiny gold ball. I picked it up and it looked like a bead but it didn’t have any holes in it. I asked my partner if he knew what it was, he said no. I immediately asked him if it’s from a woman (still not realizing what it was) and he said no. Asked again if he’s had sex with anyone and he said no.

Honestly forgot about it, but this evening I was cleaning out the bathroom drawer and I found a pair of earrings in a new set I bought that had a gold ball just like that one and realized it was likely a piece of an earring. It literally could be a piece of one of my old earrings, I had friends over last weekend so it could belong to one of them, we also recently had to clean out his car (that he’s had for years and years) to sell it so it may have come in with that stuff - I guess I’m just saying that I truly have no reason to believe that it’s anything nefarious other than the fact I recently found out about his online cheating.

He’s at work now so I can’t even discuss how I’m feeling with him.

I feel crazy, I feel paranoid and if I believe him that he doesn’t know what it’s from, I feel naive. So it feels like I can’t win either way. I just want to go back to the time when I didn’t have to question every single little thing as reality - but I guess I also don’t want to go back to that time because none of it was reality. This is rough.