I want to relapse SO EFFING BAD

Just had a baby a month ago, and my body is DISGUSTING. even my husband said I was chubby. When I got upset, he said "oh I take it back". Every time I bring it up he acts like he never said it or meant it.but it was SO triggering for me.

I feel like I have nothing going for me. If I'm not thin, I am nothing. Worthless. I'm just one of those fat ugly moms now.

Im trying to breastfeed, and it's hardly been going well. When I pump, I get like 2-4oz a day. If the pump is bought wasn't so fucking expensive, I would've given up already.

I want to get back on my anxiety meds(can't take them if I'm breastfeeding), I was to smoke again, and more importantly; I want to fucking STARVE MYSELF AND KMS AT THE GYM. I can't even go to the gym yet because I'm not at the 6 week mark yet.

I want to rip the skin off my body.