AIO thinking that my life is made for suffering?

I’m a 36(f) year old widowed female with two kids. I know that the saying “You can’t appreciate the sunshine without a little rain” is true. I had an absolutely amazing childhood. My older brother, little sister and I were raised in a very loving home by both bio parents and were extremely close with grandparents. Things were great, until my dad got sick when I was around 15. I feel like bullet points might make this a little shorter so I’ll start here.

  • Dad is told by GP that he has some slight liver damage from being a social drinker most of his life. Turns out doc just guessed and my dad’s liver was over 90% gone. Needed transplant. Very very long story short he got a triple transplant(liver and both kidneys)in April 2005. When doctors tried to reduce sedation and wake him up they learned he was in an actual coma and didn’t know when or if he would wake up. He did. But he didn’t know how to do anything and didn’t know who we were. I was first in the room after we’d got the call that he was awake (June 2005) and he looked right at me and said “Who are you?” Doc’s said it would take time for him to regain his memory if he ever did. He did,fairly quick. Everything was going amazing and he was ready to go start rehab to finally be able to come home. Moved to a rehab hospital late Oct 2005. One weekend a lazy nurse didn’t change his feeding tube and it became infected. His body just couldn’t fight off the infection. Moved to hospice Dec 17 2005. My dad died December 26th 2005. This is the day everything changed. The first of so so many heartaches.

  • I met my husband two months before my dad died. I took him to the hospital and introduced him to my dad and they had a great many private talks after that. My dad eventually told me about 2 weeks before he died that “that boy of yours wants to marry you, and I told him he could. He promised to take care of you once I’m gone” Eventually we did get married. I was 20 and about 5 months pregnant when we said I do. Found out he was doing drugs behind my back about a year later. Once I found out it was like he stopped caring about anything. Wouldn’t hold down a job, wouldn’t help me pay bills or anything. (More on that later)

  • -Childhood best friend died August 2008 from cardiac arrest.

    • Had my daughter in Jan 2010. When she was two weeks old she got RSV so bad she was life flighted to a matter hospital. Despite being told that she might not make it, my little baby bat pulled through.
    • My first boyfriend, on and off from the age of 13-16 died in a hit and run accident July 2010

  • -My grandpa died Feb 2011.

    • Found out I was pregnant in August 2011.
    • A drunk driver pulled out in front of me 6 days before my due date. My son didn’t move for almost a full 20 hours but he had a heartbeat so we’d just have to wait and see if he sustained any injuries during the crash. Born almost two fills weeks overdue in April 2012 beautiful and healthy.

  • -Little sister diagnosed with colon cancer in May 2013

    • Little sister dies in Feb 2014.
    • Miscarriage at 28 weeks in Jan 2015
    • God child dies of SIDS at 2 months old in April 2017
    • Husband sentenced to just under three years in prison May 2018

  • Grandmother dies March 2019

    • My best friend of 19 years dies unexpectedly Jan 3 2020. This event shatters me. We had went through everything life through at either one of us together. She held my hand through all the previous events, stood beside me at all these funerals, beside me when I got married and held my hand opposite my husband while o gave birth as I did for her. It never crossed my mind that we wouldn’t be laughing and talking about the old days when we got old. I don’t think I have accepted that it’s real even now.
    • Husband came home from prison on Feb 4th 2021.

  • My husband died Feb 25th 2021. Three weeks after coming home. Someone had given him some “welcome home” fentanyl and he did it after we had had an argument.

  • Those last two events took any joy I found in life. The sun doesn’t shine as bright and I can’t seem to find a reason to smile most days but I understood that my grief had to go on the back burning for my children so I did what I had to do. I made sure that I lit the way and helped them through their grief. I made sure they never seen me struggle with bills or wonder how I was going to feed us after losing my job a month after he died. I have just been going through the motions on autopilot just waiting for whatever is going to happen next. I can’t help but feel like it’s never going to end. I was getting kind of comfortable hoping that maybe the worst had past. I was waiting and waiting and nothing seemed to hit me worse than losing my soul mates . Then something did. I inherited my grandparents house in 2019. I sold it for basically nothing after paying almost ten years in back taxes on it in Dec. it wasn’t much at all but I was happy to maybe not have to struggle for a little while. I really just wanted to just do something fun with my kids. They deserve so much to be able to laugh and be kids so I booked a trip for us to go see the northern lights and spread some of their dad’s ashes. We first flew to Washington DC and spent the night with some family. The next day we flew from Washington Dulles into Keflavík International. At one of those airports my while using what I thought was the airports WiFi, I was hacked. I needed to move some money around and used my Face ID to sign into PayPal, one bank account and two separate crypto wallets. I can’t believe I was so damn stupid but I didn’t even know that I could be hacked like that’s While going from the airport to where we were staying I started getting notifications about my checking account being low. I had over $25k between my accounts that morning and now all together I had maybe $100. I had to borrow money just to get us home. I don’t know why I’m really taking the time to write this out. I guess I just needed to get it out there but I truly feel like my life is just meant to be an example to others of”hey it could be worse” or “be grateful for what you do have”.

I don’t know how I’m going to feed my kids past this weekend. I don’t know how I’m going to pay the rent on the house we just moved into. I don’t know how I’m going to find it in me to keep going day after day if this continues. I’ve got bills due, I’m having trouble finding good steady work, my fridge is bare and my bank account gone. I never wanted my kids to see me give up. They are my literal only happiness in this life and now My only really hope for the future is that my they can graduate and get as far away from me as they can so my bad luck or curse or whatever this is doesn’t bleed into their lives more than it already has.

TLDR- Going through back to back to back deaths of those I love the most has made me feel like my only purpose in life is to suffer.