AIO -My fiancé is pressuring me to have a baby
My (34m) fiancé and I (soon to be 30f) have been together for four years. I have always made it very clear that I do not want children. I have never wanted children. Even as a child, when all of the other children wanted baby dolls and would talk about being a mom, I wanted animals and always said that I didn’t want to be a mom.
I’ve known my fiancé in passing for about 20 years. When I returned from school four years ago, we unexpectedly crossed paths and have been together ever since. He is an incredible person—kind, protective, honest, and generous. I’ve had a challenging dating history and had come to terms with being single rather than unhappy in a relationship. Then he came along, and I discovered qualities in him that I thought no longer existed. He treats me with utmost care, often going out of his way to make me comfortable. Our relationship has been consistent, and he is also the best partner I’ve ever had.
At the start of our relationship, he mentioned wanting children, and I firmly stated my opposition. After some contemplation, he assured me that while having children was important to him, he prioritized being with me and chose to respect my wishes. I told him that I wouldn’t be upset if he decided to end the relationship over this issue, as I never want to stand in the way of someone’s dreams. I understand that many people have a strong desire to be parents, but I have never felt that urge. I appreciate my current lifestyle, my finances, and the freedom it provides. I believe that having a child would disrupt both my life and theirs, as they would not be genuinely wanted.
Moreover, there are serious health issues that run in my family, and I’ve seen the sacrifices my relatives made for their children, which I cannot commit to. Additionally, I witnessed a mentor's struggle with postpartum depression and psychosis after having a baby. Watching her transformation was traumatic, and it intensified my fears about parenting. After long days in the medical field, I appreciate the quiet of my home and the absence of children. In today’s economy, discussing the prospect of having a baby feels daunting. My fiancé knows about my trauma and fears, and we’ve had many discussions about them.
Despite this, I cherish the children in my life and enjoy spending time with them on my terms. My fiancé has seen my interactions with children and appreciates my relationship with them.
After many discussions about the topic, I did agree during one conversation that if specific conditions were met, such as achieving financial freedom, addressing health concerns, & leaving survival mode, I may be open to discussing the topic. We are nowhere near meeting those goals yet, but it has recently become a constant topic of discussion.
Over the past few months, he has started to talk about “me having his baby “. He has said that with how much he loves me and how he feels about me it’s only natural for him to mention these things . It’s now to the point where he mentions something on at least a weekly basis, and I am getting incredibly frustrated and increasingly annoyed and upset with every occurrence. This most recent time we were on the phone (he is away on business ) and he was talking about a 2026 goal he’s on track to reach and how excited he is for the future and just before we hung up, he said “now I’ve just got to get you to get over this attitude towards having babies” and when I started to protest and got very upset, he said “I love you and you’re beautiful and of course I want these things” and I completely went off on him. I told him that he clearly does not love me the way that I thought he did and that he clearly does not respect my wishes. I told him that he has to stop saying these things to me. I mentioned that I even allowed some leeway by giving certain parameters that need to be met and by saying that we can talk about it after these parameters have been met and he still is not respecting that. And that is me giving so much because that is me turning my 100% NO, into a possibility in the future. Him saying these things to me makes me feel nauseous and it’s making me so uncomfortable that is making me feel uncomfortable around children in general. He does not see things in my way, and feels like I am overreacting by being upset at him.
I feel so overwhelmed. My family knows how I am, and while some distant relatives have inevitably talked about me having children, my close family members who grew up with me know that this is something that has never been a desire of mine. However, his family has started saying that they feel like it’s an inevitability for me to have his child. Some of my friends understand my stance, while others have said that I would be a fool to not at least consider it because he’s so great. Some say that I would learn to love motherhood and that it would come naturally to me, but I am sure that this is not true….
TLDR- Fiancé is becoming the Owen to my Christina 😰
Am I overreacting?
Edit- Here is a link to my update post if you’re interested. I don’t even know what to say.