I miss my husband

I miss my husband. My husband is an alcoholic. He stopped drinking before we got married and he started again a couple of years ago.He has decided to numb everything and check out of our relationship with the use of alcohol.He uses work stress as an excuse for the drinking, but that doesn’t excuse him from not even doing the bare minimum in our marriage. He doesn’t think there are any issues. I used to look forward to seeing him at home after our respective work days and now I dread him coming home or coming home to him. I feel more alone with him physically in the house compared to when is gone.

I miss all the touches. The sweet ones and the ones where he’d be messing around. I miss cuddling on the couch together. I miss kissing my husband and I miss sex

He’s been sleeping on the couch for a while now. That’s just where he passes out when he drinks.I miss sleeping next to him and/or falling asleep in his arms.To be able to reach over and touch him after waking up from a bad dream, it was reassuring. I felt safe.

I miss talking with him about anything and everything. We used to be able to sit and talk for hours together. I thought the emotional intimacy we had was wonderful. It’s non-existent now. Now we don’t talk at all, and he’s lied about his drinking, smoking in the past, but he doesn’t bother hiding it anymore .We almost live as just roommates, I don’t feel like we aren’t even friends anymore.

I’ve asked I’ve begged and cried and even screamed for the bare minimum . He’s just made me feel guilty for wanting more connection, honesty and intimacy. He is so bent on justifying his behaviors as normal and making me look crazy or over reacting or over emotional.

He does go through phases where he stops drinking( or he says he stops) and we start to build a bond again. But I feel like I walk on eggshells during these times or that I’m just waiting for the other shoe to drop. Historically, it has when he decides he can’t do without the alcohol again. So he lies and tries to hide it from me.

I just want my husband back. I don’t think that man will ever come home though