Desperate for Help. My Friend’s Alcoholism is Tearing Us Apart.

Dear AIAnon friends,

I am at my wit's end and don't know what to do. I am reaching out for support and advice as my friends and I deal with a very challenging situation involving a longtime friend, whom I'll refer to as Ezra (not his real name). Ezra is 28 years old, genderqueer (assigned male at birth), incredibly successful, and very intelligent. He has always been a loving and kind friend—the greatest friend I've ever had. However, over the past few years, Ezra's struggle with alcoholism has significantly worsened, and I am terrified that I might receive a call from his parents telling me he's no longer with us.

Currently, Ezra's drinking problem has become an everyday bender. Although he is employed, he is very broke—his behaviour when drunk has become increasingly erratic and dangerous, causing a lot of distress. A few years ago, when we didn't know how bad it had become, a female friend and I were drinking with him at his place, and he began to act aggressively toward us. He even charged at us and attacked me. We had to call for help to ensure our safety. While Ezra apologized the next day, this incident left us both traumatized and wary of being alone with him. To this day, I am scared to be alone with him, even though he is the gentlest person I know when sober.

Last year, Ezra was in a relationship with another friend, who reported that his alcoholism was causing severe problems. He would often drink to the point of unconsciousness, forget to eat, and behave in ways that put him at risk. This relationship ended due to his drinking issues. Recently, Ezra was sober for about four months. He stabilized his life, got a job, and mended some relationships during this period. However, a few days ago, he relapsed and started drinking heavily again.

When I came back to the city after a long journey, I received disturbing calls from Ezra, who spoke incoherently and appeared to be very drunk. He later became unreachable, leading to our friend group's panic as we worried for his safety. The day after Ezra's relapse, his house was found in a terrible state: dirty, filled with alcohol bottles, and Ezra was walking around naked from the waist down. Despite efforts to help him, including sending him food and trying to clean up, Ezra refused to stop drinking and was aggressive towards one of our friends who tried to help.

This incident was followed by another cycle of apology messages from Ezra, but the pattern of relapse and regret continued. Recently, Ezra started a new treatment plan involving medication for cravings and mood disorders, with the possibility of rehab if he relapses again. Unfortunately, he drank even after starting this treatment. Ezra's mother has been involved in trying to support him, but they are feeling increasingly helpless. Ezra's father is scheduled to visit soon to help, but we are concerned about what might happen if Ezra continues drinking. My friends and I have been trying to manage the situation, including contacting Ezra and his mother for updates. We all feel overwhelmed by the emotional toll of supporting Ezra through his ongoing struggles.

We're all exhausted from trying to support Ezra and manage the emotional strain of his repeated relapses and aggressive behaviour. I'm torn between wanting to support Ezra and protecting myself and my friends from the harm caused by his drinking and aggressive behaviour. We've tried many interventions, but nothing seems to work. Ezra has been resistant to rehab, and we are not sure what more we can do to help him. I'm struggling with the fear that if we step away from helping Ezra, something terrible might happen to him, and I don't know if I could ever forgive myself for that.

I'm seeking advice from anyone who has been in a similar situation. How can we support Ezra effectively while maintaining mental and emotional health? Are there strategies or approaches that have worked for others in dealing with a loved one's alcoholism?

Thank you for reading my post and for any advice or support you can offer. And my heart goes out to you, whoever you may be, as you deal with a loved one in harm. I earnestly hope things get better for all of us.

Best,
A person who is mourning their friend already