I think I ruined myself forever

Been on psych meds for 14 years, tried at least 5 times to come off and always went back on.

This last time I thought I was going slow enough with lithium. Wrong. Got hit with awful withdrawal and akathisia last October.

I'm back on 600 mg since two months now.

I am calmer but still very unwell. Deeply depressed with bouts of desperation. I keep thinking about sui**** every single day.

I'm only 33 and now I'm stuck on medication again. Severely traumatized and suffering.

I don't think that I will ever be able to come off without excruciating pain. There's no way out for me anymore. I ruined my brain and body forever and I want to d**.