How do I overcome intimacy initiation challenges in an ADHD relationship?

Hey everyone,

My partner (F) and I (M) both have ADHD. In the first six months of our relationship, intimacy wasn’t an issue—we had sex regularly. I often found myself initiating, and after I asked her to take more initiative, she made an effort to do so.

Now, almost two years into our relationship, she’s been the primary initiator for about the past 18 months—often being the sole initiator. We’ve had numerous conversations about me initiating more, as her confidence suffers when she’s always the one taking the lead. I’m very grateful she hasn’t given up on me.

I truly want to initiate more to make her feel wanted. Every time we discuss it, we end up having more sex in the following week, but it still mostly comes from her side.

I’m at a loss because I don’t know how to change. It feels like I only experience lust, emotions, and other feelings when something external reminds me of them. For example, I often only notice my thirst when I end up with headaches in the evening.

I know I have a sex drive—I enjoy sex immensely when we’re intimate and I also masturbate. However, the buildup never seems strong enough for me to notice the desire on my own until it’s too late.

Has anyone experienced something similar, and how did you work through it with your partner?