Trying to figure out specifically *why* I didn't push myself to do more programming up until now.

23M AuDHD and feel like I wasted my life in trauma, slop, executive dysfunction, and rumination about my abusive/ableist upbringing. Yes I know I posted about this shit before but fuck it. Barely survived college, no internship or job in my field of study. I remember wanting to do more programming and be more than I am right now but just never having the energy or motivation to do so. I also remember having been dragged around to do stuff I didn't want to and threatened, punished, and even being burdened with the possibility of having all my electronics taken away oor even given up to foster care if I didn't comply with my family's wishes. Now that I do, I'm trying to answer specifically why I didn't push myself earlier and instead gave into dumb decisions like excessive rumination, wishful thinking, hoarding, bedrotting, long walks, and whatnot.

I just need answers to help myself feel better about the way things played out. I blame the antipsychotics I was forced on for 4 years and not getting properly medicated up until now but I feel like that's not the complete story.

I hate it.